Jake's Merch

Official Merch • Hastings, Nebraska

Wear it to Menards.
See who laughs.

Tees, ladies' tanks and hats with the stuff people keep screenshotting off this website. Soft. Sturdy. Printed in the 402. Every one of them is a conversation you're going to have to explain at church.

Ladies' Line Dudes' Line

Store opening soon. Want one now? Text Jake "I need the shirt" and he'll put you on the list. There is a list. It's long.

For Her

Ladies' tees & tanks. He'll notice.

Hot pink racerback tank with STUCK in big white slab letters over IN THE DRYER. AGAIN. and 402-909-JAKE

STUCK

Wear it to the laundromat. Watch a grown man decide whether to ask. He won't. His wife will. She already knows.

Ladies' racerback tank (Next Level 1533) · 60/40 cotton-poly · XS–2XL

$26
Natural tee with five orange stars over VERY THOROUGH. in big navy slab letters, signed A SATISFIED CUSTOMER

Very Thorough

The only five-star review that makes the person reading it a little uncomfortable. Great at church. Better at book club.

Unisex tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · ring-spun cotton · XS–4XL

$28
Light orange racerback tank with HE COMES TO YOU. in big navy and white slab letters

He Comes To You

It's the company slogan. It's on the van. Nobody has ever said it out loud without pausing. Now it's on a tank top.

Ladies' racerback tank (Next Level 1533) · 60/40 cotton-poly · XS–2XL

$26
White tee with TUESDAYS in big orange slab letters over ARE FOR JAKE. and GREG HAS BOWLING.

Tuesdays

Greg thinks it's about bowling. Let Greg think it's about bowling. Machine wash cold. Tumble dry. Do not get stuck in the dryer.

Unisex tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · ring-spun cotton · XS–5XL

$28
White tee with GREG in huge navy slab letters over DOESN'T KNOW. in orange

Greg Doesn't Know

Comes with a free second shirt for the day Greg finds out. Just kidding. Nothing helps that day. Wear this one till then.

Unisex tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · ring-spun cotton · XS–5XL

$28
Black racerback tank with FINE. in quotes in big white slab letters over IT'S NOT FINE. in pink

"Fine."

For when you're fine. Perfectly fine. Never been finer. The chimney is doing that on its own. Don't worry about the chimney.

Ladies' racerback tank (Next Level 1533) · 60/40 cotton-poly · XS–2XL

$26
Navy tee with SERVICED. in big cream slab letters over WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE APPLIANCES.

Serviced

Our best seller by a mile, and every single one was bought "as a gag." Sure. Ships in a plain box. You're welcome.

Unisex tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · ring-spun cotton · XS–5XL

$28
Natural tee with DISCREET. in big navy slab letters over HE PARKS AROUND THE CORNER. FOR THE SHADE.

Discreet.

The van, hiding behind a house, on a shirt that is not hiding behind anything. The irony is included at no extra charge.

Unisex tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · ring-spun cotton · XS–4XL

$28

For Him

Dudes' tees. Four words or fewer.

Navy tee with DAMN. in huge cream slab letters over JAKE, LISTENING in orange

Damn.

One word. Covers everything from "the transmission's shot" to "her mother's staying till Easter." Heavyweight, because so is the news.

Unisex heavyweight tee (Gildan 5000) · 100% cotton · S–5XL

$28
Forest green tee with YEP. in quotes in huge cream slab letters over WE COULD USE THE RAIN.

"Yep."

The full transcript of every conversation held on a tailgate in this state since 1867. Both lines. Nothing left out.

Unisex heavyweight tee (Gildan 5000) · 100% cotton · S–5XL

$28
Heather grey tee with beer? in huge navy slab letters over THAT'S THE WHOLE TEXT.

beer?

The entire text message, and the man who got it, already holding one. If she asks who you're texting, it's on the shirt. Point at the shirt.

Unisex heather tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · 52/48 cotton-poly · XS–5XL

$28
Natural tee with a huge orange 68 degrees over IT'S FINE. PUT ON A SWEATSHIRT.

68

Settles the argument by being a shirt. Nobody has ever won a fight against a shirt. Hoodie version coming, for the people who lost.

Unisex heavyweight tee (Gildan 5000) · 100% cotton · S–5XL

$28
White tee with I WAS WITH JAKE. in big navy and orange slab letters over HE'LL CONFIRM IT.

The Alibi

Not admissible anywhere. Worn by four men in Adams County on the same night, which is how we found out it's non-transferable.

Unisex tee (Bella+Canvas 3001) · ring-spun cotton · XS–5XL

$28
Charcoal tee with WELP. in huge cream slab letters over I S'POSE. in yellow

Welp.

Say it, slap your knees, stand up, and then talk in the doorway for another forty minutes. The shirt does not speed this up. Nothing does.

Unisex heavyweight tee (Gildan 5000) · 100% cotton · S–5XL

$28

Hats

Hats. Tip accordingly.

Black trucker hat with white mesh and JAKE'S HOUSE CALLS embroidered on the front in white and orange

The Trucker

The one he actually wears. Sits a little high, like it's supposed to. Gets you a nod from every other guy in a Richardson at the co-op.

Richardson 112 · foam front, mesh back, snapback · black/white

$30
All-black Richardson 112 trucker hat with a round white patch on the front: navy ring, big orange J

The Jake

Same cap, same J. From thirty feet away you're him. Please use this responsibly on Tuesdays.

Richardson 112 · foam front, mesh back, snapback · black

$30
Loden green trucker hat with OPE. embroidered on the front in gold

Ope.

For sneaking past people at Menards, at the fair, in church, and in your own kitchen. You'll say it anyway. Might as well match.

Richardson 112 · foam front, mesh back, snapback · loden

$30
Pink dad hat with STUCK embroidered in deep pink over 402-909-JAKE in navy

Stuck

Low profile, broken in, tiny legs on the front. Explains itself. Or doesn't. Either way, she's not answering questions.

Yupoong classic dad cap · unstructured, strap back · pink

$26
Heather grey and black trucker hat with 402 embroidered in navy over an orange bar

The 402

Not a team. Not a brand. An area code. In this state that's enough to get you a free beer and a forty-minute conversation about the weather.

Richardson 112 · foam front, mesh back, snapback · heather grey/black

$30

Sizes S–3XL on tees, S–XL on tanks, one-size hats. Bigger sizes cost a couple bucks more because they cost more to make. Proceeds keep the van full of gas and the cooler full of the good cheap stuff. Jake's House Calls is a real appliance repair and handyman business in Hastings, NE. The shirts are jokes. The number on them is not: 402-909-JAKE.

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